Using Attachment Styles To Have Healthy Relationships

I have been reading (and encouraging other people to read) the book Attached: The New Science Of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love by Amir Lavine and Rachel Heller. For those of you who are fans of The Five Love Languages, this takes your adult emotional needs to a whole new level. Between these two books, you should be able to work out [almost] all your relationship issues. 

The Attached book dives deep into how adults have relationships similar to how children have attachment styles with their parents. It takes similar concepts from development psychology and applies it to adult relationships. What is great about the book is that no matter what your “attachment style,” it can grow and adapt and change with different partners, in friendships, and work relationships. And the concepts are super simple and easy, but the change is something that many may struggle with. 

In this post, I’m going to give you some great information from the book, and also some affirmations to help get you out of a toxic or unhealthy attachment style. 

The Dependency Paradox

One of the major concepts from the book that people need to understand is that PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE. There is no getting around this. We come out of womb totally helpless and die if we don’t get help. Many people falsely believe that it is unhealthy to be dependent on a partner, but dependency is what makes children good at growing, learning, and taking risks. The same is true with adults. In the book the authors make it clear that if you want to have a healthy relationship, then you have to be trusting and be able to depend on each other. It is in this healthy dependence each person in the relationship feels more secure and confident out in the world to be who they are meant to be. 

Having independence is a huge value in our culture, but it is in our relationships where we can truly begin to grow and shine and succeed. 

Here are some statements to help embrace the dependency paradox for healthy relationships.

I forgive myself for believing I can’t be dependent. 

I forgive myself for believing I can’t depend on anyone. 

I forgive myself for pushing people away. 

I forgive others for pushing me away. 

I give others permission to forgive me when I value my independence more than the relationship

I give myself permission to accept I can depend on the people I love. 

I give myself permission to accept I can feel worthy, confident, and secure even when the people I love let me down. 

I give myself permission to accept I need people. 

I give myself permission to accept people need me. 

I give myself permission to have healthy relationships where we can depend on each other and care for each other in our lives. 

The Avoidant Attachment Style 

Let me be honest here: I can become avoidant in my attachment style. The person with avoidant attachment is the type that says they need their space. They want to keep everything separate (for a possible clean break). They say things like, “You are too needy.” They are the mysteriously attractive lone wolf person. Because of this, there are a lot more avoidant types in the dating pool the older you get because they don’t usually keep relationships long because they don’t want to be “attached”. 

If you know you are avoidant or your partner is avoidant, fear not!, there is hope. Even though it is hard, everyone (including avoidant types) want to have healthy relationships. To have healthy relationships it is important to notice when a person is reaching out for trust, help, etc and to respond appropriately. 

The avoidant type has to remember to respond when their partner would like a response. The avoidant type has to remember that this is a relationship, and in relationships you take care of each other (if you want it to be healthy). 

The avoidant type has to recognize when are the times that they want to just get away and instead choose to stay and engage. Because that is what you do in a healthy relationship. 

So, for those of you who are avoidant, stop running away out of fear that you are going to be “stuck” or “controlled”. The person you are with loves you and wants what is best for you, so respond appropriately.

Here are some statements to help with the avoidant type: 

I forgive myself for believing my partner just wants to use and control me. 

I forgive myself for believing my partner is too needy. 

I forgive myself for believing I have to run away when the people I love need me. 

I forgive myself for believing I do everything by myself. 

I forgive others for running away from me when I need them. 

I forgive others for avoiding me. 

I give others permission to forgive me when I want to control them. 

I give others permission to forgive me when I run away or don’t respond to their love. 

I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid I’ll never be left alone. 

I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid I can only be happy alone. 

I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid my partner is just trying to control me. 

I give myself permission to accept that I can choose to reach out and respond when I am needed. 

I give myself permission to accept the love my partner has for me. 

I give myself permission to feel secure with the people that I am with. 

I give myself permission to accept I can love and feel secure in my relationships even when they need me. 

I give myself permission to be needed and loved. 

I give myself permission to respond in a confident and secure way with my partner. 

The Anxious Attachment Style

The anxious attachment style is the person who is constantly looking for love and validation in their relationships. The response they have to their own insecurity is to look for some security in their relationships. This can be good or bad depending on their partner. 

Anxious person with an anxious person:

In this scenario, each person constantly feels like they are not enough. One may sometimes be able to securely respond, or both may constantly feel like they are not enough. What is nice is that both partners are seeking to be better partners. So it is possible that in this partnership they will both grow into more security as they grow with each other. 

Anxious person with a secure partner:

This is similar to the scenario above, except the secure partner responds well with the anxious type. This could lead the anxious person to be more secure, but if they are too overbearing could lead the secure partner to feel avoidant or anxious. Over the course of relationship, all of the above could happen. But what is amazing is that everyone has the ability to be in a secure relationships, it just may take more work for some. 

Anxious person with an avoidant partner: 

In the book, this is the worst scenario (though not impossible). They call it “The Anxious-Avoidant Trap”. The anxious person is constantly seeking approval and validation from the avoidant person, while the avoidant person give just a tiny tiny bit to keep the relationship going. Each type feeds each other’s insecurities. 

Here are some statements to help the anxious attachment style: 

I forgive myself for looking for validation outside myself. 

I forgive myself for believing I’ll never be worthy. 

I forgive myself for believing I can’t be happy without my partner’s validation. 

I forgive myself for believing I have to feel insecure when I don’t get validation. 

I love and accept myself even when I’m not validated. 

I give others permission to forgive me for blaming them for my insecurity. 

I give myself permission to feel secure in myself and my relationships when others pull away or don’t respond the way I want. 

I give myself permission to accept I am worthy. 

I give myself permission to accept I am good enough. 

You can also read more statements on my blog post about Letting Go Of Needing To Be Liked. 

I’m Anxious! I’m Avoidant! What Do I Do? 

Wherever you are in your relationships, whether avoidant or anxious, it’s important to stop and notice when you feel that insecurity with your partner and resist the pattern of either avoiding or feeling bad about yourself. What do you do instead? Respond with a secure attachment style. 

The Secure Attachment Style

People with a secure attachment respond to their partners just like that--confidently and securely. If someone is trying to avoid them, they will reach out to help. If someone is looking for validation, they will do their best to validate. The secure partner isn’t going to take it personally, they are good with you being you, and you are good with them being them. 

It’s not that the secure person couldn’t be worn out by someone who is avoidant or anxious, but usually secure people get with other secure people. In fact, there are more secure relationships than insecure relationships. There are more secure moments in the relationship than there are insecure. 

Here are some statements to help build more security and love for yourself and your partner: 

I forgive myself when I’m not feeling secure in my relationships. 

I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid I won’t be about for my partner. 

I give myself permission to feel secure even if my partner is avoidant or anxious. 

I give myself permission to accept I can feel secure with my partner. 

Without my insecurity, I am free to show up and love my partner the best I know how. 

Without this insecurity, I am free to feel secure, safe, and complete being me. 

Without this insecurity, I am free to feel safe, secure, and complete with divine love and validation. 

Without this insecurity, I am free to love myself more.

Without this insecurity, I am free to love others more. 

I give myself permission to accept I can be a secure person in a secure relationship.

I give myself permission to accept I have the freedom to choose my love and relationships as an adult. 

I give myself permission to choose healthy and secure attachments with all the people I love.