How To Make Friends As An Adult
One of the hardest things to do as an adult is to create new lasting friendships. Usually this happens through work, or maybe with neighbors, or just by default–whoever's around. When I meet with clients many of them confide in me that they struggle with community and making friends. Many of their emotional challenges revolve around not having an active support system. The truth is that we live in a broken society where people struggle with their relationships. We have more connections than ever but with little to no connection.
Here's some things you should do if you want to make friends as an adult:
Don’t hurt me for this one, but…
You should get out more.
For anything that you want to do there's a group out there for you to find and connect with. You don't have to only find people at work or at church or at bars. You can be intentional in finding people that fit what you like in your hobbies.
2. If you can't get out more, then try connecting with people online.
What do you want to do? What do you like to do? Chances are there's a community of people online you can connect with and find support.
3. Try something different.
Of course, you can go out and find a bunch of the same types of people that you're interested in, and that are interested in the same things that you're interested in, but that can get old. Look for something different. Go contradancing. Try roller derby. Cross stitch. Try a new sport. Yoga. Volunteer at a community center. Go on a community bike ride. That may sound overwhelming. But you need to just do it.
4. Get away from people who are taking your energy.
You may find yourself in a relationship or relationships where it is not healthy. You feel drained. You don’t feel validated or heard, and you’re waiting for the other person to finally change.
It might also be that a person is the primary caregiver for several people. In this case, boundaries are your friend. Make sure to make space for yourself to be taken care of.
Check out this post on setting boundaries and this one on Taking Back Your Power!
5. Consistency is key.
It takes time to make friends. Some estimate it takes up to 80 hours of hanging out before you are really close friends. That means hanging out a couple hours a week, every week, for almost a year. For me personally, it takes upwards of five years or more before I feel close just because the time hasn't been spent every week. The more intentional I am with the communities I’m with, then the faster the closeness feels.
6. Ask people to be your friend.
This might not seem obvious, but just ask. A lot of my clients and adults I know feel like they don’t have enough friends, and definitely not a lot of close friends. So when you meet that special someone that seems like you would want to hang out with more, ask them on a date! This is a little scary, because it can feel just like normal dating. If it doesn't work or it's not a good fit, no problem.
7. Don’t give up on people.
People hurt people. But people also help each other to heal.
Still need more help…
With Emotional Polarity Technique, in my office at Open Heart Holistic Therapy, we get to the root of why it's so hard to make friends and keep them. When I work with my clients, we raise their confidence whether making friends or being alone, and I help them to be more open to different kinds of belonging that they didn't think was possible.
If you want to see some of the statements and affirmations for friendship follow me on TikTok and Instagram.
Here are some forgiveness and affirmation statements to help create new friendships:
I forgive myself for believing I am unworthy of friendships.
I forgive myself for believing I can't keep friendships.
I forgive others for hurting me in my relationships.
I give others permission to forgive me when I was a bad friend.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid I'll be alone with no friends.
I give myself permission to feel secure, safe and confident trying something new and making new friends.
I give myself permission to feel worthy, calm and content when someone good and healthy wants to be my friend.
I give myself permission to let go of old patterns where friends aren't valued.
I give others permission to forgive me when I didn't value our friendship.
I forgive others who didn't value the friendship as much as I valued the friendship.
I forgive myself for believing someone else has to change and then we'll be close or friends again.
I give myself permission to let go of someone else changing before I feel worthy or confident making new friends.
I give myself permission to know and trust there are people and communities out there where I belong.
I give myself permission to seek close meaningful relationships throughout my whole life