How To Be Secure In Your Relationships
Intensity. Passion. Intimacy. These are all things that we really want in our relationships, right? What if I told you that these relationship ideals are a bit overrated. If you expect your relationship to always be intense and passionate, you might be resentful in the times that it is not. Passion and intensity might just be another word for drama and fighting. The harder you kiss the harder you punch, but to each their own, I guess. Even though most people want it, a secure relationship just sounds like a boring relationship. But that is not so!
First, let’s do a quick check-in. Is your relationship secure? A secure relationship allows you to be your best self. You encourage each other. You trust each other. You do not need each other 100% of the time, and you do not expect 100% of each other’s time.
Is your relationship secure? Here are some questions to ask yourself about your relationship:
Does this relationship encourage me to be more me or ask me to be someone else?
In a secure relationship, you are loved for you. Your partner doesn’t expect you to be anyone else. You may still beat yourself up because you are not who you want to be, but they love you just the way you are, and think you are amazing.
In an insecure relationship, they want you to change. They say it is for your own good, but really it is because of their insecurity and need to control. You never feel good enough and they tell you the same. I recommend you get out or start to set some serious boundaries.
2. Does this relationship push me to do things that I want to do, but felt too scared to do?
In a secure relationship, you feel safe to try new things. You feel encouraged to go after your dreams. It’s amazing how being in a secure happy relationship, you actually feel empowered and independent. It is a bit paradoxical, and there is a name for this “the dependency paradox.” The more secure and comfortable you are, the more willing you are to take risks to succeed.
In an insecure relationship, what you want to do doesn’t matter. Your hopes and dreams are trumped by your partner. They tell you that what you want to do is stupid or impossible. Don’t be with someone like that.
3. Do you trust each other when you’re not together?
In a secure relationship, you trust each other. No text back? No problem. If you want to go on a weekend retreat by yourself, go for it darling. Despite what the movies and romance novels tell us, you do not have to be together every waking moment to be healthy. You do not have to do everything together, and you encourage each other to chase dreams even if you can’t do it or be a part of it. Secure relationships are happy to cheerlead you wherever you want to go. And you discuss these dreams and plans together. Secure relationships build natural and intentional together time and feel that it is enough.
On the other hand, when someone complains to me about their partner not texting back right away, not being there all the time, or they are upset because they went somewhere without them, I see that as a big red flag. Of course, it’s important to be there for one another but to put your security on the other person being there all the time before you can feel secure–not good.
Oh no! I’m not in a secure relationship, what do I do?!?!?!
According to Attached: Adult Attachment Styles it is possible to go from an insecure relationship to a secure relationship, but it does take work, and it requires looking at yourself and your own insecure reactions. What is most important first is building confidence and security in yourself. How do you do that?
Get connected.
Talk to your friends. Poll others on what their relationships are like, if they are secure, and what they look like. Join a community of people and have friends who encourage you in a way that makes you feel more confident and secure. If your partner isn’t going to provide the security you need, then you can find friends who will.
2. Get emotional support (BOTH OF YOU).
Go and get yourself some therapy or personal coaching to gain that confidence and security. So many of my clients come to me feeling insecure in all their relationships. With the holistic therapy, Emotional Polarity Technique, we let go of those old negative belief patterns so that you can start to feel supported and empowered. Click here to see more about What is EPT?
Also, don’t put all the weight of the relationship on your shoulders. Your partner needs help too, and if all the blame is on you, then see the next step:
3. Get out.
You do not have to stay in a relationship that is insecure. For the next relationship, just remember to ask yourself the questions again: Does this relationship encourage me to be more me or ask me to be someone else? Does this relationship push me to do things that I want to do, but felt too scared to do? Do you trust each other when you’re not together?
Affirmations to help you feel more secure and confident in your relationships:
I forgive myself for believing I can’t feel secure in my relationships (until the other person changes).
I forgive myself for believing I’ll always feel insecure in my relationships.
I forgive myself for believing it’s my fault this relationship is so insecure.
I forgive myself for believing the other person has to change before I can feel secure and confident in myself.
I forgive my partner for hurting my feelings with their insecurity.
I forgive others when they blame me for their insecurity.
I forgive others when they are not encouraging of me.
I give others permission to forgive me when I blame them for why I am insecure and not confident.
I give others permission to forgive me when I hurt their feelings with my insecurity.
I give myself permission to accept that I can feel secure and confident with or without my partner.
I give myself permission to accept that I am worthy of an encouraging, secure, and confident partner.
I give myself permission to accept that I don’t have to stay in an insecure relationship.
I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid my partner will never be secure or make me secure.
I give myself permission to let go of needing a partner before I feel secure in myself.
Without this insecurity in my relationships, I am free to love and accept myself the way I am.
Without this insecurity in my relationships, I am free to encourage and support others in their hopes and dreams.
Without this insecurity in my relationships, I am free to let go of the unhealthy and unhappy relationships not serving me.
Without this insecurity in my relationships, I am free to feel worthy, calm, and content seeking healthy partnerships at all levels—with my family, with my kids, with my work, and in my spiritual journey.