3 Times You Don’t Have To Be Grateful

Ah. The time of Thanksgiving. Stuffing yourself with food. Civilly talking politics with parents. A peaceful time. Until it’s not.

Let me just say that we are huge fans of gratitude over here at Open Heart Holistic Therapy, and you can read about how great gratitude is and how to cultivate more gratitude all over the blog. Check it out here, here, and here.

You can even read about not wanting to be grateful here.

But the research is clear, gratitude is good for you. But today, I’m here to tell you: You don’t have to be grateful. Because not all the time is the time to be grateful. 

What are some times to not be grateful?

1. When something terrible is happening.

This can be kind of overwhelming, right? Because, when is there not something terrible happening? 

What I mean by this is when something terrible is happening to you. 

It’s ok not to be grateful…

• as your house is burning down.

• when your parents are getting divorced.

• when you lose money or something valuable. 

• when you’re being attacked. 

• when you miscarry.

• when you are in cancer treatment.

• when you are in a car accident.  

• when they die.

• when they disrespect you. 

• For hot weather due to climate change. 

• That people are starving in Afghanistan

• For any bad actor all across the globe. 

Just insert the terrible thing there. 

In fact, forcing gratitude in times of suffering can be counter productive shame and guilt inducing. 

What can you do in these times of ungrateful suffering?

• Validate your feelings. 

• Reach out to a friend for help (get some outside validation).

• Feel your feelings. Honor and respect what you are going through and what you are feeling. 

2. Don’t be grateful if it is shame or guilt inducing.

We try to mind manipulate ourselves into thinking we have to be grateful for what we have, and ignore the hurt, suffering, and trauma that we have been through. Though it is possible to foster a general sense of gratitude even amidst pain and suffering. It doesn’t mean that we should ignore or compare our pain and suffering. 

We say, “Well, at least it wasn’t as bad as this person.” STOP DOING THAT! You feel what you feel, and sometimes it sucks, and you don’t want to be grateful, and you don’t have to. 

With this guilt, we may even try to push gratitude on others in suffering situations. We shame a person into gratitude instead of acknowledging, honoring, and respecting their experiences and feelings. 

Remember, it is ok to feel multiple feelings at the same time. 

3. Don’t be grateful it it’s forced or not true.

Be honest with yourself about what you can be grateful for and when you can be grateful. 

So many clients come to me with complicated trauma and dysfunctional relationships. How can there ever be a place for gratitude. With time and work, and application of the holistic therapy, Emotional Polarity Technique, clients start to see where they can turn their own suffering into compassion for themselves and others. 

Many people bond, grow, and heal through their shared pain and suffering. There are whole groups, clubs, and camps for kids and adults who suffer from different physical and emotional ailments. In those places people find safety, connection, and a judgment free zone to fully be themselves with all their feelings. 

You will not be able to find gratitude for everything, but you may be able to find gratitude for something on this healing path. Even if that something is simply that you can connect and help another person with the same or similar suffering. 

If you are struggling to healing and gratitude, reach out to Open Heart Holistic Therapy and make an appointment. 

Here are some statements to help let go of the guilt induced gratitude:

I forgive myself for believing I have to be grateful.

I forgive myself for believing I have to feel guilty or shame if I’m not grateful.

I forgive myself for believing I’m not allowed to feel bad if it’s not as bad as somebody else.

I forgive myself for believing I’m a bad person if I’m not grateful.

I forgive myself for believing I have to hold on to anger instead of be grateful.

I forgive myself for believing if I’m grateful for something bad that will justify more bad happening.

I forgive others when they guilt me into being grateful.

I forgive others on this shamed me because I’m not grateful enough.

I forgive others and they’re not grateful.

I give others permission to forgive me when I blame them for why I can’t be grateful for why I feel guilt and shame.

I give others permission to forgive me when I guilt them into being grateful.

I give others permission to forgive me when I’m angry at them because they’re not grateful.

I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid I can never feel gratitude because everything is terrible.

I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid gratitude won’t help.

I give myself permission to accept that I can feel love forgiveness and happiness even if I don’t feel gratitude.

I give myself permission to accept that I can honor and respect my feelings and feel gratitude.

They give myself permission to accept that I can honor and respect feeling good and feeling bad at the same time.

I give myself permission to accept that I can feel worthy calm and content not being grateful right now.

I give myself permission to accept even though I don’t feel gratitude right now I may feel gratitude later.