The Dad Who Didn’t Meet My Expectations...

Some dads are not great. Some dads were very absent (physically or emotionally). Some dads, are downright terrible. We know this, and as a therapist--I really know this. 

I see you. 

I get you. 

I’m here for you. 

Holding On To Old Patterns 

When we hold on to these old patterns, relationships that we wish were better, it sometimes happens that we end up in the same old pattern. Unconsciously, we try and fix the past by repeating it (or some version of it in the present). It’s only by acknowledging the unmet expectations, feeling the anger, disappointment, abandonment, grief, whatever it might be, that we can finally let go, forgive, and choose new healthy relationship patterns out of love for ourselves (and them). 

Letting Go Is Hard

Letting go can be hard when we don’t want our parents to know that we have thrived in life (because we don’t want them to get any credit). So, we stay in a cycle of blame to “prove” wrong has been done. We can’t enjoy life and wait expectantly for their repentance.

Let me help you. Sometimes we believe that if we let go of the expectation, it’s letting them off the hook, or it’s letting go of hope. The past doesn’t change, but how we feel about it, and how we react to it--that can change. 

The hope I have is that parents (Dads included), good or bad, want their kids to be happy and better than they are/were. With that hope, letting go of expectations makes us happier and better people, so we don’t have to keep the unhealthy patterns, and our whole family can heal. 

Now I can say, “I am grateful for my dad. I don’t have to be dependent on him changing before I am successful, happy, and healthy.” 

Another way to phrase, “I forgive myself for believing I can’t be happy or let go until my dad changes.”

How the healing happens is going to look different for each person. 

It might be full reconciliation. It might be healthy boundaries ranging from no contact to more contact and communication. It might be a conversation. You may write a letter and send it or delete it. It might just be letting go and finally choosing something different. It might just be some personal and spiritual growth that spurs change and health and healing. 

The new healthy relationship patterns are going to look different for each person. 

When new clients come into my office for EPT and forgiveness therapy, we set the goals. These goals are what new patterns you want in your life. When you finally let go of the unmet expectation and the father that never was, you can look back and see and be grateful, even if the only gratitude is that you have life. You can honor the part of your physical self that is your father, so you’re not constantly rejecting who you are (having them as a part of you). You can finally be happy to be who you are, and be a better person growing in relationships (even in the ones that weren’t great).

It’s Still Hurts

Yeah. The wounds may still be raw, too real. But you are worth it. You are worthy. You are here to be loved, and you can have hope and healing wherever you are in life. 

You are here because Dad wasn’t good, and didn’t meet your expectation. This childhood trauma can follow you throughout your life and cause pain and other issues. At Open Heart Holistic Therapy, I use EPT and the science of forgiveness to heal and move forward. Let me help you get to the root of your pain. Schedule a Free 30-minute consultation 813-922-8768 or appointment online!