Stop Earning Love

You are here to be loved. 

Do you believe that? 

I do some days. I imagine you do too. I certainly hope that you do. 

But what is all this about earning love? Love is not something to be earned, but for whatever reason, we think we need to.

You came into existence and were born, and you had no say. You did nothing to get love in your existence. But soon after birth, things start to get a bit hazier on this “unconditional love” thing. There are expectations. There are standards. There are things you are supposed to do and not do. There are grades you have to get. There are sports you have to play. There are sins you can’t commit. There are clothes you have to wear. There’s a size and BMI you have to be. You have to look a certain way, act a certain way. You have to worship a certain way. You have to vote a certain way. 

And sometimes they say, “Oh, I love you anyway.” But. Do they?

Who have you withheld love from? How did you justify them not earning your love?

There are reasons why we feel the way we do about love. That we feel we have to earn it, but there are ways to tap into a larger sense of self, community, the universe, God, divine… You don’t have to do anything to earn love. Unconditional love is always available to every person. 

Negative patterns that lead to feeling like you need to earn love…

What are some negative patterns that lead to feeling like I need to earn love, or that someone else needs to do something to earn my love?

There are many reasons someone may feel like they need to earn love. 

• It may have been that you had a parent with very high expectations.

• Someone may have manipulated you to do something that you thought would get you love.

• Someone might have deserted you or abandoned you, and you’re not sure why, or it might have been because you (or someone else) failed at something. 

• Anytime you experienced unrequited love— it might make you believe love is something to be earned by being pretty enough, or making enough money, or to have and keep the same values.

• It might stem from an unhealthy religious context where you were taught that God’s love was conditional on following “God’s rules” (i.e. the leaders interpretation and implementation of God’s rules). 

There is usually a significant relationship that wasn’t healthy that triggers this “gotta earn love” response.

But this pattern doesn’t have to be forever, with holistic therapy there are ways to let go of these old patterns and move into something new. 

What can I do to let go of these patterns?

You can let go of the pattern where you feel you have to earn love for myself and others, and be free to accept love because that’s why I’m here? 

Here are some ways to feel the love without earning:

• Hug (I know… be careful during COVID times…) 

• Mindfulness meditation and/or prayer. I love the Calm app and Headspace and The Rubin Museum of Art Mindfulness Meditation Podcast and Hallow.

• Go to church - a place where you feel comfortable connecting to a free love greater than yourself. 

• Ask for a compliment, and say YES to it. 

Accept the love that was always yours-because you are here to be loved. 

Here are statements to help you:

• I forgive myself for believing I have to earn love.

• I forgive myself for believing I have to do something or be a certain way before I deserve love. 

• I forgive myself for believing I’ll never be good enough to receive love.

• I forgive myself for believing I have to be someone or something different to feel love(d)

• I forgive others for withholding love until I perform what they want. 

• I forgive others for taking away my power to give and receive love.

• I give others permission to forgive me when I need them to do something or be a certain way before I love them.

• I give others permission to forgive me when I blame them for my earning love issues. 

• I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid others will still expect things and withhold love.

• I love and accept myself even when I withhold love. 

• I love and accept myself knowing I am here to be loved.

• I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid love isn’t worth it. 

• I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid my love won’t be accepted. 

• I love and accept myself knowing my love for myself and God’s love is (can be) unconditional.

• Without this pattern I am free to love myself even when I’m not perfect.

• Without this pattern I am free to choose loving unconditional relationships. 

• Without this pattern I am free to love others even when they don’t meet my standards.

• Without this pattern I am free to feel worthy calm and content with who I am and where I am even if someone else disapproves. 

If you’re still struggling to connect to love, then make an appointment today for a free 30-minute consultation or a 90-minute risk-free first session. Emotional Polarity Technique at Open Heart Holistic Therapy is here to help you feel the love.