Letting Go Of The Negative Survival Mentality And Increase Gratitude

Three Good Things

When I was in undergrad I took a class on positive psychology, and in that class we did an experiment on ourselves. All that we had to do was think of 3 good things everyday and write them down. We took a survey on our general well-being and depressed feelings before and after the experiment. We were all surprised that the experiment made us feel better. 

When the experiment started, it was hard to remember good things at the end of the day. And the list of good things were often lame. It would be like pizza, or a good grade, or good weather. As time went on, and I was remembering that I needed to remember good things for the end of the day list, I noticed more good things throughout my day. I was able to be present to everyday mundane, but nice, things, I would have otherwise glossed over. 

Surprise, thinking of a few good things every day, makes you appreciate all the good things throughout the day. And remembering those good things boosted my overall wellbeing and happiness. 

I’d love to say that I have kept up the practice, but no, the experiment from 20 years ago just stuck with me. 

Why Is It So Hard To Be Present To Good Things?

Why though? Why is it so hard to practice noticing the good things? Why do we focus on the negative? The Gottman Institute teaches that in relationships it takes (at least) 7 positive things to negate 1 negative thing that happens in a relationship. One good thing for one bad thing is never enough to get it out of our heads. This might sound reminiscent of toxic positivity, but it’s not that.

To “undo” one negative comment I should compliment my partner, I should

• give them a hug,

• apologize,

• say several nice things,

• do the dishes,

• write them a nice note,

• and give them a flower or a treat.

There should always be waaaay more positive experiences in a healthy relationship than negative. But again, why we so negative? 

From an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense that we focus on negative/danger, it could mean life or death. Constantly scanning for danger is in our DNA. Unfortunately, that evolutionary trigger means we may end up hyperfocusing on a negative thing that probably isn’t going to hurt or kill us. 

From a spiritual perspective, the negative that we focus on is a thing that needs fixing and healing before we consider ourselves good or worthy. The negative might be a place where we feel disconnected from God and long to rebuild. Unfortunately, focusing on negativity/brokeness yields more negativity and hyperawareness of every imperfection. Perfection requires seeing every imperfection, but perfection is not required for love and worthiness. We forget that everything God created is good, including us. 

We are built to notice and fix problems. Thank you brain for doing this.

It requires intentionality when building new pathways that embrace what is good when it is good. 

I had to read Victor Frankl (Man’s Search For Meaning) so many times in undergrad and grad school. The point was always the same, no matter how bad life gets (the holocaust) we have in us the ability to find the good, to find the meaning. Sometimes it is in the darkest places that we are forced to dig deep for the good, and if we can do that in those places, then we can do it anywhere. But the practice will make it easier. Build those positive pathways.

Using the Holistic Therapy EPT, here are some affirmations to help let go of negativity and survival mentality and bring in gratitude and compassion. 

I forgive myself for believing I have to focus on the negative in order to survive.
I forgive myself when I focus on the negative because it feels like the only way to survive.
I forgive myself for believing this negativity can't change.
I forgive myself for believing I have to beat myself up when I'm not perfect.
I forgive myself when I'm not grateful.
I forgive myself for believing I'm not worthy of good things.
I forgive myself for believing I can't be grateful for hard things.
I forgive myself when I hurt other people's feelings expecting them to be perfect or grateful.
I forgive myself for believing that focusing on the positive or thinking about the good things in my life is not going to make a difference in how I feel or how my life is.
I forgive myself for believing that I can't change my mind and be more positive.
I forgive myself for beating myself up when I feel like I'm not being positive enough and can only focus on the negative.
I forgive myself for believing that focusing on the positive is just going to be ruined constantly by something negative.

I forgive others when they're not grateful.
I forgive others when they hurt my feelings by not being grateful.
I forgive others for hurting my feelings when they're negative.
I forgive others for hurting my feelings when they say I'm not perfect.
I forgive others for hurting my feelings when they say I'm not worthy.
I forgive others when they hurt my feelings by poopooing on my positivity and good things.

I give others permission to forgive me when I blame them for why I can only focus on the negative.
I give others permission to forgive me when I poo poo on their positivity.
I give others permission to forgive me when I blame them for my feelings of imperfection and unworthiness.

I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid I'll always be negative.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid something negative is going to ruin the good things.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid I can't be grateful.
I love and accept myself even when I’m afraid there's nothing to be grateful for.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid I can't enjoy things without feeling like they’re going to be taken away.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid the only way to survive is to be negative.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid the only way to be perfect is to focus on the imperfections.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid I can't be positive.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid my gratitude and positivity is all fake.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid my fake positivity is going to make me feel better.
I love and accept myself even when I'm afraid my fake gratitude is going to make me more grateful.

Without this feeling of insecurity and unworthiness, I'm free to see the good things in my life.
Without the survival mentality, I am free to discern what is good and what I can be grateful for.
Without this survival mentality, I am free to be present to the good things in my life.
Without this negativity, I am free to show up more loving and grateful in all my relationships.
Without this negativity, I am free to stop self-criticizing and be more compassionate with my imperfections.
Without this negativity, the people in my life, like my partner and my children, are free to be more compassionate with themselves when they feel unworthy or imperfect.

I give myself permission to accept I can be grateful for hard things.
I give myself permission to accept I can protect myself from negative without hyper-focusing on it.
I give myself permission to accept I can feel worthy calm and content when I am thankful.
I give myself permission to accept I can feel gratitude even when it's hard.
I give myself permission to accept I can feel secure with what I know is good and be present to the goodness in my relationships without being broken by the negative.